This is something that I have been fascinated with for a very long time, long before I associated it with any kind of fetish. I just thought I was a bit odd, really. It’s not something that I normally talk openly about as I find it’s a really difficult subject to bring up with people and through my experience, a lot of people just don’t understand what I mean when I say “I think I’m an emotional masochist.”
I tried to explain it on another forum, but to date, it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to explain. So please bare with me.
One of my earliest memories of this was when one of my teachers in school gave me a talking to, a really good lecture. I felt so belittled, I had this horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach, but all the while I was aware that I found it quite a turn on. It was such an intoxicating mixture of both displeasure and pleasure, I really didn’t know what to think.
As I got a little older I started to notice that in my relationships, I got a ‘kick’ out of the same sort of thing. Then when I finally discovered BDSM, I found that amongst many other things, I liked humiliation. For a long time I just thought this ‘weird emotional masochism thing’ was just an extension of humiliation. Humiliation, for me, is about the feelings of shame and embarrassment, so in a way, I thought it was the same thing.
Over time I’ve become more and more aware that it’s not the same thing, not at all, and it’s become apparent just how prevalent it is throughout my kinks/fetishes/fantasies etc.
So I guess it’s actually pretty simple: I get off on mental and emotional cruelty. I get off on doing things that I hate.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s someone directly putting me through emotional distress, or whether I’m putting myself through it for their pleasure, both turn me on. I enjoy the mental discomfort, the way my brain tries to rationalise when I’m having my buttons pressed. I enjoy having my feelings manipulated in order to cause me emotional pain, upset/anger and distress.
For the time being I haven’t experienced it nearly as much as I’d like. I’m aware it’s not to everyones taste and I think finding the right person and balance for this kind of thing is really important. Although I can play casually with people, with this – I think, no, I know – I would need more. Ideally I’d like to have a real emotional connection with the person before getting any further into this, as I think there can be quite a lot of emotional fall-out from this type of ‘play’, and I would need to really trust the person.
Also, without the emotional connection, a lot of it just wouldn’t work. For example, I can’t feel jealous over someone I’m not involved with. Without a level of trust and devotion, I just won’t feel it. I’m not *really* going to care if he fucks another girl in front of me and then tells me she’s better than I am, am I?
Yes, so, I can’t even begin to describe the appeal of taking this further, and I want to experience this at a much deeper level. I want someone who can find my fears, insecurities, faults and exploit them.. Use them against me. Having someone know exactly what to say or do to trigger that horrible, hot feeling..
The feeling that makes my chest burn with rage, yet turns me on at the same time. Oh and it makes me cry, don’t forget that.
It’s just not fun if there’s no crying.
Originally posted circa February 2010