I feel it coming. I try to hold back at first, but I feel it building in my throat, my chest.
I don’t want to. I don’t want to cry, not in front of you, not now.
I want to cry later, on my own, where no one can see me. I want to crawl under my duvet and hug my teddy, and rock myself to sleep.
Just, not here. Not now.
Anything else, but not this. I can’t face the embarrassment. Such a little thing compared to what you’ve done to me, but sometimes it’s the hardest part to deal with.
“Shh.. It’s okay..”
Your soft tone. Your hand on my hair, stroking. Your reassurance is like the dam being lifted. The trigger in my mind that says I can let it out. I can be myself.
This time the dam lifts slowly, and the tears flow through at a slow pace.. Just a few at first, a sob that I manage to stifle.
I struggle to catch my breath, air feels like a distant memory. I’m still trying so hard, but it’s started and I can’t do anything to stop it.
My body lets go, I fall into you completely. I’m moulding into you, so close.
Gripping your shoulders, pulling myself closer still. My head is on your chest and I can’t hold back anymore. Don’t even want to.
The water flows, the tears come. I gasp. I shake. I tremble. I can’t stop it. I’ve lost control entirely.
So hard to breathe, so hard to think, so hard to do anything but just.. Cry.. Just.. Let it out.
Your hand brings my chin up, you look at me.
And I’m gone.. The tears flow freely now. All I can do is feel.
Release. Sweet, sweet release.