There’s nothing worse for me than feeling humiliated, degraded, used.
I hate feeling embarrassed.. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling small, belittled.
I hate being told what to do, I hate being talked down to. I hate being grabbed, pushed, pinned down. Being made to crawl, plead & beg.
I hate being made to do things I don’t want to do, I hate feeling hurt, I hate being in pain. I hate being hit, slapped & beaten, I hate violence.
I hate being restrained, exposed, tied up. I hate choking, gagging, feeling like I can’t breathe, like I’m going to be sick. I hate mind fucks, feeling confused, disorientated & unaware.
I hate being questioned, interrogated, tortured. I hate the way I feel afterward, I hate the uncontrollable crying, the smeared make up, feeling out of it. Sometimes I can’t even talk.. I lose the ability to communicate verbally, I’m a mess, and I hate it.
I hate the embarrassment, the humiliation.
I hate it all.
Except I don’t hate it, not deep down, underneath.
The more I hate it, the more it turns me on.
The worse it is, the more I want it, crave it.
There’s a line right between love & hate.. but mine is thin and blurred and broken.